TELECOM Digest OnLine - Sorted: Last Laugh! When Marketing Surveys Get Off-Track

Last Laugh! When Marketing Surveys Get Off-Track

Linc Madison (
Wed, 13 Apr 2005 18:04:11 -0700

My cellular phone carrier called me (on my landline) the other day to
do a marketing survey. They asked me if I had any plans to add another
line to my account. I told them no, I live alone, I hardly use the one
cellphone, so I can't imagine adding a line at any point in the
foreseeable future.

The survey person persisted, though, wanting to ask me to rate on a
1-to-10 scale various offers relating to adding a line (e.g., 3 months
free, or various other perks). I begged off, but it occurred to me
that, had I been bored enough to sit through the whole list, my data
would have been meaningless at best.

I therefore came up with my own revised questionnaire.

On a 1-to-10 scale, with 1 being "no way!" and 10 being "where do I
sign up?!," rate the following circumstances for the degree to which
they would make you more likely to add a second line to your cellular

A. Martians invade Earth.

B. You suddenly discover 27 previously unknown offspring.

C. You are diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. You need a second line
to talk to the voices in your head. "Can you hear me now?"

D. Both of your arms fall off.

E. Both of your legs fall off.

F. Both arms AND both legs fall off.

G. Costa Rica declares war on Vanuatu.

H. You simultaneously win every state lotto jackpot in the U.S.

I. The widow of an African dictator gives you $27,500,000.00
(twenty-seven million, five hundred thousand United States dollars) to
launch a new charity to PROTECT THE CHILDREN from accidental
Tupperware-related injuries.

J. Breakthrough scientific research reveals that telephone area code
maps are the most powerful aphrodisiac ever discovered. ("Oh, baby,
wrap your arms around me like 801 around 385!!")

I think, in my circumstances, those are equally realistic hypothetical
situations, compared to being offered 3 months free for a second line
for which I have neither need nor desire.

Linc Madison * San Francisco, California *
<> * primary e-mail: Telecom at LincMad dot com
All U.S. and California anti-spam laws apply, incl. CA BPC 17538.45(c)
This text constitutes actual notice as required in BPC 17538.45(f)(3).

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